Original Entry Date:
April 23, 2000
Age: 16
Background: Follows about two weeks after my blog post about rejection.
Dear Diary,
I know I just wrote you and for some reason my junior year I haven't been writing you as often so this is very rare. But anyways, it is spring break right now and I am NOT having any fun. I'm stuck here in the good ol suburbs for the first time in 11 years. Prom is still up and coming. I am now going to junior prom as well. I asked Allen Turk, it should be fun. Yeah well this spring break I was supposed to be hanging out with Kyle and spending quality time with new people I barely ever see. Its been more like Mitch calling me everyday and being the only one I see or talk to. And track has sucked, its supposed to be more fun with less people! Hopefully it will get better. I'm learning to appreciate the things I do have in my life more. Jackie is the absolute best friend a girl could ask for. Maybe the one guy I want to be with isn't chasing me but at least some guy is. I may be on my way to my 17th birthday and still have never had a boyfriend but that's because I'm careful and I'm just waiting for the right boy to come along. I could go out with Mitch but I will not do that just so I can be with some guy. And maybe one day I will have feelings for him but right now I do not. Oh well, Kyle will always hurt me and will never want me. I just keep wishing that "someday my Prince will come."
Love,
Megs
Dear Megs,
This is another entry that I am quite fond of. Yes, you started off venting your frustrations of what you were experiencing but then you started to see the good and recognize the positives in your life and the way you were approaching it. You recognized that you were so fortunate to have a budding friendship who someone was always very kind and encouraging to you. You also recognized that you didn't want to be in a relationship just to be in a relationship. You knew that if you were going to be with someone, it would be someone who you were as crazy about as they were about you. You were technically "not settling" for Mitch just to have a boyfriend.
But this entry isn't necessarily about settling for a guy you may not be crazy about. It is really about never settling for less than you deserve in all of your interactions in life. Looking back, the "settling" you were doing was having a crush on Kyle to begin with. Kyle treated you horribly. He strung you along, hooked up with a "friend" of yours and tried to act like nothing needed to change between you two. He was not interested in you as a person and was only ever looking to see how far you would let him get. But for whatever reason that I can absolutely not understand, you put him up on a pedestal as though he was the best thing to walk into your life. You let yourself be miserable because he didn't want to be with you. Mitch on the other hand treated you with nothing but kindness and respect and he in fact, deserved you in return. Now don't get me wrong, the heart wants what the heart wants and "settling" isn't about settling for an individual per see. It is about settling for being treated as less than the extraordinary person that you are. I'm not saying I should have been with Mitch at the time because I didn't have those feelings. But on the contrary, I also shouldn't have been crazy about Kyle and continued to let him walk all over me. This is very difficult when the heart is involved as we tend to be blinded to the negative treatment we are receiving. But allowing your heart to be caught up with someone who doesn't treat you as the incredible individual that you are is in fact... settling. Allowing a person to be in your life who treats you with disrespect and hurts you consistently is settling. Instead, only allow yourself to be surrounded by those who enrich your life and make you happy.
This goes the same way with friendships as it does with guys. Going back to the entry about rejection, I had a group of girls who always treated me as an extra in their lives. They didn't need me around, they didn't care if I was included in their group or not. I was just a "clinger" who they felt they had to be nice to but hardly considered me a close friend. They didn't see the positive in me and my continuing to spend time with perpetuated the issue. I constantly felt bad about myself because deep down, I knew I wasn't really their friend and knowing that fact made me feel like something was wrong with me. However, Jackie, and it took me a long time to realize this, was exactly the friend I was always looking for. She felt that I added a value in her life and subsequently she added something to mine. We would have inside jokes, share everything about our struggles and our victories and just love one another for who we were. She wanted to see me happy and successful and I felt the same for her. As mentioned in "Casualties of Time", unfortunately the relationship was lost but she was one of the first friendships that I wasn't settling with and that was an extremely important lesson in that time. We can certainly settle with friendships as well, I think even more often then we do with guys, because we are social beings and we don't want to be alone. However, if any "friend", doesn't think twice about talking bad about you behind your back or secretly cheers at your failures or does anything along those lines, you are settling by allowing them to be in your life as "friends". Surround yourself only with people who make you feel good and your life will be more enriched as a result.
So change the way you think about settling. Know that settling is more so allowing people in your life that fill it and you with nothing but negativity and poison. The people surrounding you should always build you up and you should always do the same for them. It becomes an even worse situation if you are nothing but kind , giving and sweet and yet these individuals still take advantage of you. You are an incredible and unique individual who anyone would be blessed to have in their life. So don't let those who don't choose to see the good in you bring you down. We have every right to only surround ourselves with individuals that make us a better version of ourselves and keep that beautiful smile on our face. Those who make you cry don't deserve to be a part of your life so don't let them! Don't settle, you deserve so much better!
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Life happens...so let it
Original Entry Date:
April 21, 1997
Age: 13
Background: Written a few weeks before I graduated from Grammar School
Dear Diary,
Hey What Up?! M life is getting just way too confusing for me. I don't know who I like, don't know who my real friends are or if I even have any. I don't know anything about my future so you what I say, Who cares?! I have only a couple of weeks left at Grade School-why not have fun? Who cares if some boy doesn't like me? Who cares if I'm not popular? I say its their loss. I'm gonna start all over pretty soon and I can't be livin in the past or in the future. I have to live my life now as it is. What happens, happens. Its all fate, its all planned out and I can't change it. Well see ya!
Love,
Megs
Dear Megs,
I enjoy this entry. You often spent so much time reflecting on your life and trying to change things only to be disappointed when nothing worked out the way you hoped. This was a very rare time that you just gave up on trying and just lived your life. While I can't say it lasted long, it was necessary to have a tough skin, shrug off the difficulties and "just keep swimming" as Dory from "Finding Nemo would say.
Don't get me wrong, I am all for the quotes about not letting opportunities pass you by and if you want something, go get it, you can't sit around and wait for your life to begin, etc. However, I also believe that you can drive yourself crazy if you try to plan out and analyze every moment of your life. While I don't necessarily believe everything comes down to fate, I do believe there are lots of experiences in life that are out of our control. I also believe that each moment, each experience taken at an individual moment may not make sense but when looking back, was really meant to be.
My life sometimes seems like a perfect example of this: I had my heart set on a certain Ivy League College---all I wanted to do was get in. Unfortunately, I was rejected and I ended up going to another wonderful college in the Midwest. That experience at the school that was not my first choice ended up being the best 4 years of my life. While at the time I was crushed when I didn't get in to my dream school, I cannot deny that my life would be incredibly different if I had. The next link in this chain was when half-way through my freshman year of college, a very scary freak accident left me in intensive care with a fractured spinal cord. This accident caused me to miss my second semester of freshman year. I was crushed at the time but looking back, I was having a hard time finding my niche at the school and was severely struggling socially. After the accident, I ended up going back to school for summer classes and living in the dorms. Over summer school, I reconnected with a girl from my orientation group who was also there. Once the sophomore year started back up, she invited me out with her group of girl friends from Freshman Year. We all got along so well and eventually ended up getting an off campus house together Senior Year. Also through my connections with these 4 girls, I found myself introduced to several other girls who introduced me to their friends. Now these 4 girls and the additional friends I made through their connections are all part of a very special and amazing group that I am so fortunate to have met. It was this type of friendship and acceptance that I had longed for in High school and Grammar school and I had finally found it. Without the bad individual experiences, I don't know if I ever would have found that! We are all going on a trip together next year for our 30th birthdays and we hope to continue this tradition as the years go by even more. To further the strange way life works out, one of the girls I met through my senior year roommates is now one of my closest friends in Chicago. Our second year in the city, she invited out one of her guy friends from college who had just moved to the city. We met that night and instantly connected. We talked all night and at one point I told him I would help him "pick up a girl in the bar". The bar had fresh flowers on all of the tables so I gave him a daisy and told him to walk up to a pretty girl in the bar, tell her she s the prettiest girl in the bar, give her the flower and ask her to dinner (kitschy I know). He turned to me and gave the line I had just given. Our first date was the next night and 6 years later, we are still together and just got back from a wonderful vacation in San Francisco.
So basically, life works in really mysterious ways that are hard to understand in the moments we are in. However, I really do believe everything in life happens for a reason that may not be clear at that given moment. A big question that is often asked is "what is your biggest regret in life?" Looking back, I do believe every aspect of my life that perhaps I may have regretted at the time, actually brought me to where I am today. Take out one single piece and the life I have today would be completely different. Every friend that has turned their back on you makes you stronger and appreciate good friends when they do come. Every rejection or low point brings you to perhaps a different path that is meant to be and you wouldn't have found otherwise. Every guy who broke your heart will eventually bring you to the one who makes all of your dreams come true. While low points and struggles are so hard in the moment, don't regret or curse one, they all are part of the journey that makes you, you. So life happens, live it, love it, let it---the best surprises are yet to come.
April 21, 1997
Age: 13
Background: Written a few weeks before I graduated from Grammar School
Dear Diary,
Hey What Up?! M life is getting just way too confusing for me. I don't know who I like, don't know who my real friends are or if I even have any. I don't know anything about my future so you what I say, Who cares?! I have only a couple of weeks left at Grade School-why not have fun? Who cares if some boy doesn't like me? Who cares if I'm not popular? I say its their loss. I'm gonna start all over pretty soon and I can't be livin in the past or in the future. I have to live my life now as it is. What happens, happens. Its all fate, its all planned out and I can't change it. Well see ya!
Love,
Megs
Dear Megs,
I enjoy this entry. You often spent so much time reflecting on your life and trying to change things only to be disappointed when nothing worked out the way you hoped. This was a very rare time that you just gave up on trying and just lived your life. While I can't say it lasted long, it was necessary to have a tough skin, shrug off the difficulties and "just keep swimming" as Dory from "Finding Nemo would say.
Don't get me wrong, I am all for the quotes about not letting opportunities pass you by and if you want something, go get it, you can't sit around and wait for your life to begin, etc. However, I also believe that you can drive yourself crazy if you try to plan out and analyze every moment of your life. While I don't necessarily believe everything comes down to fate, I do believe there are lots of experiences in life that are out of our control. I also believe that each moment, each experience taken at an individual moment may not make sense but when looking back, was really meant to be.
My life sometimes seems like a perfect example of this: I had my heart set on a certain Ivy League College---all I wanted to do was get in. Unfortunately, I was rejected and I ended up going to another wonderful college in the Midwest. That experience at the school that was not my first choice ended up being the best 4 years of my life. While at the time I was crushed when I didn't get in to my dream school, I cannot deny that my life would be incredibly different if I had. The next link in this chain was when half-way through my freshman year of college, a very scary freak accident left me in intensive care with a fractured spinal cord. This accident caused me to miss my second semester of freshman year. I was crushed at the time but looking back, I was having a hard time finding my niche at the school and was severely struggling socially. After the accident, I ended up going back to school for summer classes and living in the dorms. Over summer school, I reconnected with a girl from my orientation group who was also there. Once the sophomore year started back up, she invited me out with her group of girl friends from Freshman Year. We all got along so well and eventually ended up getting an off campus house together Senior Year. Also through my connections with these 4 girls, I found myself introduced to several other girls who introduced me to their friends. Now these 4 girls and the additional friends I made through their connections are all part of a very special and amazing group that I am so fortunate to have met. It was this type of friendship and acceptance that I had longed for in High school and Grammar school and I had finally found it. Without the bad individual experiences, I don't know if I ever would have found that! We are all going on a trip together next year for our 30th birthdays and we hope to continue this tradition as the years go by even more. To further the strange way life works out, one of the girls I met through my senior year roommates is now one of my closest friends in Chicago. Our second year in the city, she invited out one of her guy friends from college who had just moved to the city. We met that night and instantly connected. We talked all night and at one point I told him I would help him "pick up a girl in the bar". The bar had fresh flowers on all of the tables so I gave him a daisy and told him to walk up to a pretty girl in the bar, tell her she s the prettiest girl in the bar, give her the flower and ask her to dinner (kitschy I know). He turned to me and gave the line I had just given. Our first date was the next night and 6 years later, we are still together and just got back from a wonderful vacation in San Francisco.
So basically, life works in really mysterious ways that are hard to understand in the moments we are in. However, I really do believe everything in life happens for a reason that may not be clear at that given moment. A big question that is often asked is "what is your biggest regret in life?" Looking back, I do believe every aspect of my life that perhaps I may have regretted at the time, actually brought me to where I am today. Take out one single piece and the life I have today would be completely different. Every friend that has turned their back on you makes you stronger and appreciate good friends when they do come. Every rejection or low point brings you to perhaps a different path that is meant to be and you wouldn't have found otherwise. Every guy who broke your heart will eventually bring you to the one who makes all of your dreams come true. While low points and struggles are so hard in the moment, don't regret or curse one, they all are part of the journey that makes you, you. So life happens, live it, love it, let it---the best surprises are yet to come.
Friday, April 13, 2012
Rejection Hurts!
Original Entry Date:
April 10, 2000
Age: 16
Background:
The April following my entry "How to know if he really likes you". I got involved with the wrong guy and also had a falling out with some friends all around the same time.
Dear Diary,
Well long time since I've written. Turnabout came and went, prom is coming up. I'm going to senior with Dan Wilkins, not sure about junior yet. The big thing though is that the whole Kyle thing blew up in my face. He tried to hook up with me two more times, once successfully. Even though he told me he didn't like me yet he knew I liked him. Then he has Kim on the side. Then he realizes oh I have this thing for Molly Madison. Oh I was crying. What I couldn't understand is why I thought we had something great and why it meant absolutely nothing to him. I didn't see how or why he couldn't see that something special between us. It's still there, it's diminished a bit in the past month but its still there. He shouldn't have led me on the way he did. He realized that though and at least the boy apologized. I have that to be thankful for. Not only did that happen but Morgan, Mel, and Kim have grouped themselves off, excluding me, and leaving me crying in the dirt. They no longer hang out with the seniors who got them through 2 years of High School. They have no respect for people and what they do for them. It's hard though because I can't help but feel something is wrong with who I am. Every friend I have ever made has deserted me at some point in my life. I just hope my luck turns around soon.
Love,
Megs
Dear Megs,
Oh man, if only I could travel back in time and read you my entry about how to know if a boy likes you. You fell for Kyle's games hook, line, and sinker. He toyed with your emotions and strung you along just so he could see how far you would let him get. All along, he was also hooking up with your friend Kim who was suddenly getting cliquey with your other friends and excluding you. Then he ends up falling for another girl and asking her to be his girlfriend. Then the girls who you used to hang out with regularly start grouping themselves off, hanging out without you, having inside jokes that you don't know about and more. As far as you knew, you hadn't done anything to hurt them Kim started hooking up with Kyle after the two of you were involved so if anyone should have been mad, it should have been you. I knew once I no longer felt comfortable around them that I was getting freezed out. I was clearly getting a double dose of rejection that hurt on all levels.
It was hard to understand why Kyle picked someone else as his girlfriend and I wasn't good enough for him. Or why Kim, Morgan and Mel could be best girlfriends but I wasn't cool, nice or fun enough to be part of that group. No body likes to feel like they don't belong or that they aren't good enough. It is one thing for someone to say they don't want to be your boyfriend or they don't want to be your friend, but then to see them having those connections with other people; that really hurts. The question just keeps eating at you: what makes her better than me? Am I not pretty enough? Am I not nice enough? Am I too nice? Am I boring? Why don't they want to be friends with me? Why were they nice to me for a while but now I don't belong? Am I not cool enough? What is cool? Did I do something wrong? You just keep picking yourself apart trying to realize what it is you did that caused this rejection.
Truth of the matter is, you never did do anything wrong. For whatever reason, who you were wasn't what Kyle wanted or wasn't the type of friend these girls wanted. Did it hurt? Of course! Did I think I needed to change to be the type of girl Kyle wanted or the type of girl Mel, Morgan and Kim wanted to let in their clique, of course! But no matter how much I tried to conform to be what they wanted, I couldn't--I was simply me---whether I understood who that was at the time or not. You are one of a kind and you should always be proud of that fact. Some people will like you and others will not. One of your unique characteristics is all you have ever wanted is to get along with everyone. So when you aren't someone's cup of tea, it hurts. I believe most people feel this way but they forget that others feel this as well. Truth be told, I still see Kyle from time to time due to mutual friends in our grown up lives. Honestly, once college was over, I looked back and couldn't really understand what had been so special about him. Today, he absolutely would not be a guy I would be interested in pursuing. Yet at that age at that moment in my life he broke my heart and it seemed like the worst thing ever. Looking back, it clearly was just not meant to be. Kim and Morgan are still close friends with one another but I haven't heard anything on Mel in years. I still see them from time to time but again, I can now what I couldn't see then, they really were not girls I could have longstanding friendships with. We are still friendly with one another but I see why we didn't connect back then. I now have amazing girls that I met over the years who would never make me feel bad about who I am or make me feel like I didn't belong. I am so grateful to have found those true friendships over time.
Rejection does hurt but I believe there is a reason behind everything in life. It may not make sense at the time you are in it, and it may hurt a lot--but it just means your life is meant for a different and often greater destiny. Therefore, if someone rejects you or doesn't seem to want you in their life, shake it off. Stand tall and be proud of who you are. It may be hard to understand why someone doesn't want you in your life but you have to be strong and accept it and be confident that you will find the people whose lives you are meant to be a part of. And no matter what, never change to meet who other people think you should be. You are unique, you are one of a kind, heck, you are you!
April 10, 2000
Age: 16
Background:
The April following my entry "How to know if he really likes you". I got involved with the wrong guy and also had a falling out with some friends all around the same time.
Dear Diary,
Well long time since I've written. Turnabout came and went, prom is coming up. I'm going to senior with Dan Wilkins, not sure about junior yet. The big thing though is that the whole Kyle thing blew up in my face. He tried to hook up with me two more times, once successfully. Even though he told me he didn't like me yet he knew I liked him. Then he has Kim on the side. Then he realizes oh I have this thing for Molly Madison. Oh I was crying. What I couldn't understand is why I thought we had something great and why it meant absolutely nothing to him. I didn't see how or why he couldn't see that something special between us. It's still there, it's diminished a bit in the past month but its still there. He shouldn't have led me on the way he did. He realized that though and at least the boy apologized. I have that to be thankful for. Not only did that happen but Morgan, Mel, and Kim have grouped themselves off, excluding me, and leaving me crying in the dirt. They no longer hang out with the seniors who got them through 2 years of High School. They have no respect for people and what they do for them. It's hard though because I can't help but feel something is wrong with who I am. Every friend I have ever made has deserted me at some point in my life. I just hope my luck turns around soon.
Love,
Megs
Dear Megs,
Oh man, if only I could travel back in time and read you my entry about how to know if a boy likes you. You fell for Kyle's games hook, line, and sinker. He toyed with your emotions and strung you along just so he could see how far you would let him get. All along, he was also hooking up with your friend Kim who was suddenly getting cliquey with your other friends and excluding you. Then he ends up falling for another girl and asking her to be his girlfriend. Then the girls who you used to hang out with regularly start grouping themselves off, hanging out without you, having inside jokes that you don't know about and more. As far as you knew, you hadn't done anything to hurt them Kim started hooking up with Kyle after the two of you were involved so if anyone should have been mad, it should have been you. I knew once I no longer felt comfortable around them that I was getting freezed out. I was clearly getting a double dose of rejection that hurt on all levels.
It was hard to understand why Kyle picked someone else as his girlfriend and I wasn't good enough for him. Or why Kim, Morgan and Mel could be best girlfriends but I wasn't cool, nice or fun enough to be part of that group. No body likes to feel like they don't belong or that they aren't good enough. It is one thing for someone to say they don't want to be your boyfriend or they don't want to be your friend, but then to see them having those connections with other people; that really hurts. The question just keeps eating at you: what makes her better than me? Am I not pretty enough? Am I not nice enough? Am I too nice? Am I boring? Why don't they want to be friends with me? Why were they nice to me for a while but now I don't belong? Am I not cool enough? What is cool? Did I do something wrong? You just keep picking yourself apart trying to realize what it is you did that caused this rejection.
Truth of the matter is, you never did do anything wrong. For whatever reason, who you were wasn't what Kyle wanted or wasn't the type of friend these girls wanted. Did it hurt? Of course! Did I think I needed to change to be the type of girl Kyle wanted or the type of girl Mel, Morgan and Kim wanted to let in their clique, of course! But no matter how much I tried to conform to be what they wanted, I couldn't--I was simply me---whether I understood who that was at the time or not. You are one of a kind and you should always be proud of that fact. Some people will like you and others will not. One of your unique characteristics is all you have ever wanted is to get along with everyone. So when you aren't someone's cup of tea, it hurts. I believe most people feel this way but they forget that others feel this as well. Truth be told, I still see Kyle from time to time due to mutual friends in our grown up lives. Honestly, once college was over, I looked back and couldn't really understand what had been so special about him. Today, he absolutely would not be a guy I would be interested in pursuing. Yet at that age at that moment in my life he broke my heart and it seemed like the worst thing ever. Looking back, it clearly was just not meant to be. Kim and Morgan are still close friends with one another but I haven't heard anything on Mel in years. I still see them from time to time but again, I can now what I couldn't see then, they really were not girls I could have longstanding friendships with. We are still friendly with one another but I see why we didn't connect back then. I now have amazing girls that I met over the years who would never make me feel bad about who I am or make me feel like I didn't belong. I am so grateful to have found those true friendships over time.
Rejection does hurt but I believe there is a reason behind everything in life. It may not make sense at the time you are in it, and it may hurt a lot--but it just means your life is meant for a different and often greater destiny. Therefore, if someone rejects you or doesn't seem to want you in their life, shake it off. Stand tall and be proud of who you are. It may be hard to understand why someone doesn't want you in your life but you have to be strong and accept it and be confident that you will find the people whose lives you are meant to be a part of. And no matter what, never change to meet who other people think you should be. You are unique, you are one of a kind, heck, you are you!
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Never Give Up...
Back in November, I decided to give up on this blog. I didn't know if I was reaching anyone or if my writing was up to par for getting the message across as I wanted. Then I remembered why I started this....I re-read my old diary entries and was sad. Sad for the girl I once was and wishing I could go back and make her feel better. I couldn't but I could hopefully encourage girls who are currently struggling through the very hard time of growing up and thinking your life will never make sense. I've been there, heck I'm almost 30 and I'm sometimes still there but together we can build the confidence and the strength to look the bad days and the good days straight in the eyes and forge ahead.
I've always wondered what I was good at, what I could add to this world and then I realized, some talents are not so black and white. I care, I've always cared, almost too much about others and their lives and wanting them to be happy. I've always wanted to help make everyone happy. Maybe this is my chance, even if just one girl is inspired, it was worth it! So I'm giving it another go...with patience this time.
I've always wondered what I was good at, what I could add to this world and then I realized, some talents are not so black and white. I care, I've always cared, almost too much about others and their lives and wanting them to be happy. I've always wanted to help make everyone happy. Maybe this is my chance, even if just one girl is inspired, it was worth it! So I'm giving it another go...with patience this time.
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