How to know if he is really into you....

Original Entry Date:
November 1, 1999
Age: 16

Background: If you have been reading my entries thus far, you know I was a boy crazy teen with lots of unrequited crushes. Junior year of HS, boys all of a sudden seemed to notice me though most were NOT for the right reasons

Dear Diary,
Hey ok yes it has been a long, long time since I wrote you now. The school year started out slow. Everything seemed to be going wrong then around Homecoming, everything turned around and started going great and has been great since. Let me start with Homecoming, I went with Josh Stern, nothing really special about that but Connor was supposed to ask me but ended up not going to the dance which is where my conflict arises. I start liking him, big mistake. We flirt we go to the state overnight co-ed Cross Country meet, we flirt more, we end up going to into my hotel room and are both "comfortable" just talking side by side on the bed then bam coach comes in and he goes back to his room and nothing happens between us. Things have not been the same since and he is now together with Rachel and won't say a word to me. Then 2 weeks later, Kyle Sands flirts with me big time and offers to drive me home but I don't think anything really came from that. Then Mitch Gellar asked me on a date Friday. That was sweet. The next night, Tim Healy (yes my obsession from last year) is all over me in the treehouse at Fredrick's Halloween party Saturday night(we still have people thinking something happened with us (which it didn't) But basically all these guys have been interested in me which makes me feel good about myself. Of course nothing really happened with any of them, no kissing but I am still loving it!

Love,
Megs

Dear Megs,

I'd like to point out three consistencies in the above stories: Kyle, Tim, and Connor. All always flirted with you but never asked you out or made an effort other then when an opportunity arose for them to take it to the next (aka physical) level. All three of these young men did eventually have girlfriends in HighSchool and those girlfriends were never you--they really all when it came down to it-- broke your heart. You had longstanding crushes on 2 of the 3, (Connor and Tim) and developed feelings for Kyle once he showed attention to you. BUT...and this is a big point my friends, BUT, the only guy to ever make the effort to ask you on a real date and take you out was Mitch. Mitch was genuinely interested in you. Unfortunately, you did not share those feelings but you did go on a wonderful date with him. Oh I recall it was my first ever real date (not dance related). He picked you up and drove you downtown. You went out to dinner and to a haunted house and then for a walk along the Chicago River. Looking back, it was honestly a very romantic and sweet date. Something I very much longed for at that point in life, but it was with the wrong guy unfortunately. Substitute Connor or Tim (or even Kyle) with Mitch and I would have been over the Moon. But no, they only ever flirted with you in moments when you two were alone...

At the time, I was blinded by the fact that my crushes were actually flirting with me to see the truth. In fact, this has been one of the lessons that has taken me the longest to learn. And believe it or not, many girls in their 20s still haven't learned this lesson... What is this lesson? Ladies, if a boy has a sincere interest in you, you WILL know. He will ask you for your phone number, he will call you right away, he will ask you on a date. He will be interested in you at times other than when the two of you are alone away from everyone else and it will be about more than just a physical connection. He will want to be your boyfriend and rounding the bases will not be his Number One priority (however, let's not forget, he is a guy after all)

I've seen this in action time and time again. My two long term relationships (in College and after College) all resulted in me a.) meeting a boy and b.) giving him my number and c.) him calling me the next day to ask me on a date--usually that same night. Reading back on this entry, I realize now Mitch was the first one to show this rule in action-I just had yet to learn it back then.

This really is such a hard and fast rule that is so easy to understand yet we as young woman have such a heard time listening to it. We develop these crushes and these feelings and so badly want him to someday just notice we are alive that we let these boys toy with our emotions. We keep telling ourselves that this is different, we give excuses as to why he isn't asking us out (boys don't really do that, he was hurt really bad by his last girlfriend, his friends will give him a hard time if he gets a girlfriend,He is afraid to really fall for someone and I scare him etc., etc.) Girls, if you haven't watched the movie "he's just not that into you", please do because that movie pretty much embodies everything I am discussing and it really is oh so true. It is very obvious when a boy is into you and very easy to know when he isn't.

What's even worse is in college and Highschool even, we allow ourselves to take things to the next level with these boys (yes, I mean S-E-X or some variation of this) in hopes that we can get them to like us. Trust me, doing this will keep them interested but not for the right reasons and will definitely end up with you hurt. This is getting into a more serious and taboo topic than I typically like to discuss but girls, know that giving in and having sex or hooking up with a guy to keep him interested or to make him interested in you is not the way to go. This really is something that should be taken seriously and done with someone you are in love with who mutually respects and loves you and should happen at a time in your life when you are ready and mature enough to handle. Hold onto your innocence for as long as you can because it is special and you will never get it back once its gone. So think very carefully on these decisions. I am not willing to discuss the details on the internet of my own personal experiences but I can tell you I believe that it really is something you should share with someone you think you will spend the rest of your life with and I've followed and kept that belief to this very date (in my late twenties now). If you think you will regret the decision or are unsure, then just wait--when its right, you'll know. And to further my "lecturing" because I can't not say this: a broken heart is one of the least of the consequences you have to worry about if you treat sex casually or as a way to attract boys as there are so many other things to worry about.(i.e pregnancy, STDs) Ok off my soapbox on the taboo subject.

It is so easy to get caught up in the excitement of a crush noticing you when you were always invisible to him in the past. And once you get that attention, you crave it and you want it to continue. You start convincing yourself there is something more there, that you mean something to him, that is is different and he really cares for you. This mindset started in Highschool for me and in College, I fell even deeper into this pattern. Every time, I can tell you I ended up with a very broken heart and the guy always moved on to a girl he truly cared for. It really is so hard because we really want to believe they care. Any hint of interest towards you makes you believe they must somewhere deep down care for you and maybe they are just afraid of those feelings. But, no they aren't--they are really just taking advantage of you and the opportunity. You are too smart and incredible to fall for that and deserve so much more from the men you choose to allow in your life. Don't forget, you truly choose who you let in your life and you have every right to be very picky and demand to be treated with nothing but respect and adoration. It is perfectly okay to have that attitude with guys as the ones who don't deserve you won't make the effort to meet your standards anyway.


The best example that I have of this in practice is from College. There was a boy who lived in my dorm freshman year. We started hanging out quite a bit in his dorm room most of the time. We had a class together so we would study in his room. Usually studying turned into make out sessions. I found out eventually he had the same type of relationship with 2 other girls in our dorm but I convinced myself I was different. I started dating another guy who actually liked me Sophomore year but still couldn't get this one guy out of my head. We hung out a few times "as friends". I always romanticized our time together, walks on campus at night, driving to a nearby Forest Preserve and staring at the stars and talking..all this stuff that would make you think a guy definitely had feelings for you--but he never asked me out on a date. Before Junior year, my boyfriend at the time and I broke up probably because I never could get over this other guy. Right away that year, I found my way back to him. He did ask me as his date to a fraternity party and we went and he was saying all of these sweet things all night. I asked him to a football game at my older Brothers college and he came (along with my roommates at the time) and met my family and I thought we had a great weekend. Then all of a sudden after we got back, he started to avoid me...would act like he didn't see me around campus and basically would ignore me(we even had a class together and he never said a word to me). Around Christmas that year, he called me to say he just wasn't looking to be in a relationship at the time. The next semester, I found out he had a new girlfriend and they dated all the way through Senior Year and from what I've heard are now married. He never wanted anything more from me otherwise he would have had it. He found whatever it was I was missing in this other girl and he couldn't let her go. When they want to be with you, they will! He broke my heart worse than any other guy I have ever met as our relationship was more than just physical, we shared so much about our lives with one another but regardless, he had every opportunity to make me his girlfriend and he NEVER did because deep down, he didn't want me. It was a tough lesson but one I needed to learn. The right guy will eventually come to you and when he does, you will know without a doubt that he cares for you because he will make it a point for you to know. I've said it before but my boyfriend today called me and asked me to dinner the very next night. I even pushed him away to avoid getting hurt and he didn't give up on me. So don't be fooled, recognize the boys that want to spend time with you vs. the boys who just want to see how far you'll let them get. It is a lesson better learned earlier than later.

I do want to take some time and Thank all the people who have recently started to read my blog as I have noticed higher activity to my blog. I know I don't know everything about this life but hope I can offer a little something from someone who has been there not too long ago and learned from some experiences. If you like what you read, please share and please offer any comments, questions, etc.