Diary Entry Background:
I went to a private Highschool outside of town but had wanted to go to the public school in my town. I often met kids at the public school from my grade school friends who went there. Another background tidbit? I was never the type of girls boys took much interest in. It wasn't until age 19 that I had a boyfriend
Original Entry Date:
August 27, 1998
Age: 15
Dear Diary,
Wow you know I have never felt this way before and I just don't get it. I mean I love it at my highschool but lately I've been thinking how awesome it'd be to go to the highschool in my town. I mean lately I've been talking to a lot of the people from the other school and they all seem cool. I especially mean the guys there. I might actually I mean I could actually have a boyfriend and a social life at the other school. I mean let's face it, no guy at private school would ever be interested in going out with me. But at public school, Dave, Joe, John all these guys talk to me and I feel like an actual girl who guys are interested in, I like it but I'm not expecting it to last long.
Sincerely,
Megs
Dear Megs,
Self Confidence and True Happiness are a hard thing to come by. It takes years to build and the slightest blow can throw it off track. Being invisible to guys as a teenager is tough...trust me I know! It really slows down that road to self confidence and its unfortunate that the slightest attention from a guy is what builds it up. Depending on reassurance from a guy to build your self-worth is a very, very slippery road to go down.
No man, boy, guy should EVER define who you are. Let me repeat that: NO man, boy, guy should ever define who you are. If you only believe you are beautiful and worthy of love when a man pays attention to you, you will have a very hard time finding happiness. A girl needing attention from a man to feel worthy of love is the root of so many long term relationship problems. Relationships and love are a great experience but it has to be born of mutual love and respect for one another.
We all want to feel beautiful and a Man's love is sure to help us feel that way. But you are beautiful in and out, each of us is and we don't need a man to recognize this for it to be true. You need to believe it yourself first and foremost. Do you know what is the most attractive feature to men? A woman who is confident and comfortable with who she is. If you constantly need attention from a man for reassurance, this is a huge turnoff and the quickest way to get used and dumped to the curb. You've heard men call women desperate and crazy, right? Only feeling happy when a guy is paying attention to you is the quickest way to get this reputation!
5 years ago I met a wonderful guy. At the time, I had been single for a good 3 years and was enjoying that time to learn more about myself as an individual. I didn't want to throw myself into a relationship because I was enjoying that time where I was learning to just be me. However, I knew this guy was a keeper. How did I know? Shortly after we met, I indicated that the most important thing to me is to be fully confident and happy with who I am as an individual before I join my life with someone else. If I can make myself happy, only then can I make someone else happy. He was patient and understood where I was coming from and it actually made him more attracted to me. This is the type of guy you need to find. The one who lets you shine and loves you more for it. Know how to be an individual before you be a couple. This amazing guy is still with me today and that mutual love and respect has made the both of us incredibly happy together.
So what am I trying to say here? Learn to make yourself happy first and foremost. If you depend on a guy to make you happy, true happiness will be hard to come by. Having someone special in your life should only enrich it, not be what defines you. Exude Utter Confidence and Men won't be able to resist your charm! :)
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Cliques, Cliques, Cliques....
Diary Entry Background:
8th grade day with my Friends
Original Entry Date:
August 26, 1996
Age 13
Dear Diary,
Guess What?! I have more wonderful news to tell you, my friends hate me. I don't know what I did. I went to the pool with a bunch of them and they all pretty much ignored me or made fun of me. So I decided to leave early. Then later at night, I went to Maggie's for pizza and they all hid when I got there and then they came out and laughed at me. Gosh they are such immature dorks. Then Grace had her letter to her boyfriend with her and wouldn't let anyone see it except for Tracy (Who for some weird reason was Grace's best friend that night). Then Molly took it out of Grace's hands and tried to read it but Grace just laughed and took it back. I did the exact same thing and she got all mad at me. Yet, she didn't care about the fact that Molly had done the exact same thing!!
Dear Megs,
Sometimes you can have a really big group of friends but still feel incredibly lonely. Girls can be mean and the main reason for any of this is they want to be accepted. This can be tough because if two girls out of a group decide they are mad at you, it can quickly turn into a scenario where everyone is ganging up on you. And typically what caused the one girl to get mad at you, is something very insignificant---like saying you have a crush on a boy that your friend secretly likes. Something little like that and before you know it, everyone has turned against you. It is often so much easier to go along with the group then to go against it and risk being outcasted.
Can I say I am completely innocent and never did the same exact thing to other girls just to be accepted? I wish but definitely not the case. Cliques (which don't necessarily have to be a "popular" group of friends) are a tricky monster. You can have this huge group of friends yet never really feel accepted as you are constantly trying to avoid being the outcast. Looking back, this is not a good thing. These type of friendships typically do not have the foundation to last. In grade school, I went around with maybe 10 girls. Of those girls, I still have relationships with 2girls. Good friends are hard to find but it is always better to have 1 or 2 close friends than 10-15 so called friends that will stab you in the back the second they can.
Looking back, I wish that I had spent more time with those true friends who would last the test of time. I wish that I had stood up to the girls that thought making others feel badly about themselves made them more popular. The fact of the matter is that teenagers will ALWAYS make others feel bad if doing so is the means to acceptance. Its a vicious cycle that is way too difficult to stop. Standing up to those who put others down is so tough but please try. You may lose that friend but trust me, it won't take long for them to turn on you anyways and any friend that puts you down isn't really a friend in the first place.
The funny thing is, you think as we become adults, cliques and putting others down goes away. Truth be told, it doesn't. There will always be those who feel better about themselves by putting other people down. And people will always go along with the group to be accepted. I work with people in their 30s who do this to me on a daily basis and I'm definitely an outsider. But it no longer bothers me, I ignore it nowadays. The difference? I don't let myself get wrapped up in that nonsense. I have a great group of friends and family who accept me for me. I've also learned to be independent and stand on my own two feet. A lot of that comes with confidence in who you are and knowing that type of behavior just isn't you. Know that no matter what you do, people will criticize and judge and nothing you do can change others behavior. But rise above that and treat even those that put you down with respect and kindness and you'll be a happier person in the long run.
8th grade day with my Friends
Original Entry Date:
August 26, 1996
Age 13
Dear Diary,
Guess What?! I have more wonderful news to tell you, my friends hate me. I don't know what I did. I went to the pool with a bunch of them and they all pretty much ignored me or made fun of me. So I decided to leave early. Then later at night, I went to Maggie's for pizza and they all hid when I got there and then they came out and laughed at me. Gosh they are such immature dorks. Then Grace had her letter to her boyfriend with her and wouldn't let anyone see it except for Tracy (Who for some weird reason was Grace's best friend that night). Then Molly took it out of Grace's hands and tried to read it but Grace just laughed and took it back. I did the exact same thing and she got all mad at me. Yet, she didn't care about the fact that Molly had done the exact same thing!!
Dear Megs,
Sometimes you can have a really big group of friends but still feel incredibly lonely. Girls can be mean and the main reason for any of this is they want to be accepted. This can be tough because if two girls out of a group decide they are mad at you, it can quickly turn into a scenario where everyone is ganging up on you. And typically what caused the one girl to get mad at you, is something very insignificant---like saying you have a crush on a boy that your friend secretly likes. Something little like that and before you know it, everyone has turned against you. It is often so much easier to go along with the group then to go against it and risk being outcasted.
Can I say I am completely innocent and never did the same exact thing to other girls just to be accepted? I wish but definitely not the case. Cliques (which don't necessarily have to be a "popular" group of friends) are a tricky monster. You can have this huge group of friends yet never really feel accepted as you are constantly trying to avoid being the outcast. Looking back, this is not a good thing. These type of friendships typically do not have the foundation to last. In grade school, I went around with maybe 10 girls. Of those girls, I still have relationships with 2girls. Good friends are hard to find but it is always better to have 1 or 2 close friends than 10-15 so called friends that will stab you in the back the second they can.
Looking back, I wish that I had spent more time with those true friends who would last the test of time. I wish that I had stood up to the girls that thought making others feel badly about themselves made them more popular. The fact of the matter is that teenagers will ALWAYS make others feel bad if doing so is the means to acceptance. Its a vicious cycle that is way too difficult to stop. Standing up to those who put others down is so tough but please try. You may lose that friend but trust me, it won't take long for them to turn on you anyways and any friend that puts you down isn't really a friend in the first place.
The funny thing is, you think as we become adults, cliques and putting others down goes away. Truth be told, it doesn't. There will always be those who feel better about themselves by putting other people down. And people will always go along with the group to be accepted. I work with people in their 30s who do this to me on a daily basis and I'm definitely an outsider. But it no longer bothers me, I ignore it nowadays. The difference? I don't let myself get wrapped up in that nonsense. I have a great group of friends and family who accept me for me. I've also learned to be independent and stand on my own two feet. A lot of that comes with confidence in who you are and knowing that type of behavior just isn't you. Know that no matter what you do, people will criticize and judge and nothing you do can change others behavior. But rise above that and treat even those that put you down with respect and kindness and you'll be a happier person in the long run.
Dreaming of Cinderella
Diary Entry Background:
The first dance of my 8th Grade Year
Date: August 24, 1996
Age 13
Dear Diary,
I HATE my life! Nothing Ever goes right. I think this 8th grade year is going to be the worst. I just want to go to Highschool and start over. No matter how much I change everybody is going to remember me as the crybaby nerd who's quiet and is ugly and weird because that's what I was. No one even bothers to get to know me or talk to me. Our first dance was tonight and it was the worst one EVER! I felt so lost and out of place like I didn't belong there. Why do I only look pretty and act cool when it doesn't matter? 8th grade hasn't even started yet and already it looks horrible. I can't stand another year with friends who sometimes like me and sometimes don't. I'm never going to be popular or a movie star. I HATE MY LIFE!
Dear Megs,
When it comes to big events, it is hard not to set high expectations. Every movie, every TV show, every book always fantasizes this moment for girls like us. The unpopular awkward girl who just wants to come out of her shell gets all dolled up arrives at the dance, the music stops, everyone stares amazed and astounded that you are the same girl they see at school, the cute boy asks you to dance, all eyes on the two of you...etc. I call it the Cinderella effect. We all want the fairytale and expect life to be like that. Sadly, it doesn't play out that way and so often life fails to meet our fantasized expectations.
I'm sure it sounds crazy, but I really thought my night was going to be just like the movies. I remember I had spent all this time getting ready. I bought this awesome velour shirt (yes it was cool back then), new makeup, did my nails, curled my hair, had my bangs just right...I thought this night could change the course of my 8th grade year. With such high expectations, I was bound to be let down.
You know what? I still do this. I fantasize about certain events and nights (dates, weddings, reunions, parties, etc.). I go and find the perfect outfit and dream about a perfect night. And every time the moment fails to meet my expectations. However, today it isn't as crushing when things don't go my way. I suppose as we grow older we still like to dream and fantasize that our life is like a romantic comedy and we are the star.
But I now know these fantasies are just that, dreams, and life doesn't flow that way. So instead of being let down I just learn to enjoy and live in the moment. You will have soooo much more fun and great things will happen if you just live your life instead of a dreamed up version of what you think it should be. It will never be perfect but that's okay...you can have plenty of fun in an imperfect life. I've made some incredible memories in those years since that dance and I know I have many more to come.
The first dance of my 8th Grade Year
Date: August 24, 1996
Age 13
Dear Diary,
I HATE my life! Nothing Ever goes right. I think this 8th grade year is going to be the worst. I just want to go to Highschool and start over. No matter how much I change everybody is going to remember me as the crybaby nerd who's quiet and is ugly and weird because that's what I was. No one even bothers to get to know me or talk to me. Our first dance was tonight and it was the worst one EVER! I felt so lost and out of place like I didn't belong there. Why do I only look pretty and act cool when it doesn't matter? 8th grade hasn't even started yet and already it looks horrible. I can't stand another year with friends who sometimes like me and sometimes don't. I'm never going to be popular or a movie star. I HATE MY LIFE!
Dear Megs,
When it comes to big events, it is hard not to set high expectations. Every movie, every TV show, every book always fantasizes this moment for girls like us. The unpopular awkward girl who just wants to come out of her shell gets all dolled up arrives at the dance, the music stops, everyone stares amazed and astounded that you are the same girl they see at school, the cute boy asks you to dance, all eyes on the two of you...etc. I call it the Cinderella effect. We all want the fairytale and expect life to be like that. Sadly, it doesn't play out that way and so often life fails to meet our fantasized expectations.
I'm sure it sounds crazy, but I really thought my night was going to be just like the movies. I remember I had spent all this time getting ready. I bought this awesome velour shirt (yes it was cool back then), new makeup, did my nails, curled my hair, had my bangs just right...I thought this night could change the course of my 8th grade year. With such high expectations, I was bound to be let down.
You know what? I still do this. I fantasize about certain events and nights (dates, weddings, reunions, parties, etc.). I go and find the perfect outfit and dream about a perfect night. And every time the moment fails to meet my expectations. However, today it isn't as crushing when things don't go my way. I suppose as we grow older we still like to dream and fantasize that our life is like a romantic comedy and we are the star.
But I now know these fantasies are just that, dreams, and life doesn't flow that way. So instead of being let down I just learn to enjoy and live in the moment. You will have soooo much more fun and great things will happen if you just live your life instead of a dreamed up version of what you think it should be. It will never be perfect but that's okay...you can have plenty of fun in an imperfect life. I've made some incredible memories in those years since that dance and I know I have many more to come.
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