Our Toughest Critic...

Original Entry Date:
October 20th, 1998
Age:15
Background:
My sophomore year of Highschool was a tough one. I had zero self confidence and was trying to find myself yet no one put me down more than myself. Read on...

Dear Diary,
Hello, well let's see what really can I say that's new? Well I'm still running cross country, I'm not good but I'm decent. I'm surviving this sophomore year, its bad though! Things just never quite go my way. I didn't go to our Homecoming, no surprise! Guys just DO NOT notice me! I mean who can really blame them? I'm nobody special. I mean Gosh I'm ugly, I picture myself in my head and shudder, I can only imagine how guys feel. Well as for the other schools Homecoming, my date was a *word removed* As for now, I like Tim Healy on the guys cross country team but like most of my crushes nothing will happen, believe me!
Love, Megs

Dear Megs,
First and foremost, I need to address the inappropriateness of a word used in your diary entry. It was removed as I used it once naively and do not wish to repeat it. It is an inappropriate hurtful slur for gay men and thankfully is no longer a part of your vocabulary. I know there are many words out there that we hear on a regular basis and do not understand the ramifications of using in our day to day language. This is a word that is used by hateful individuals and it is meant to hurt. It should never be used in a casual context to describe an individual of any sexual orientation. I just wanted to ensure I addressed this as I was rather embarrassed to see it in an old diary entry...

Onto the topic at hand: self loathing. It is so hard to feel pretty as a teenager. We are beginning to notice certain aspects of ourselves aren't what the media portrays as beautiful. Our bodies are changing and often times certain features haven't grown into the rest of us. We are also venturing into new beauty techniques: styling our hair, doing makeup, etc. and dealing with skin that typically is most uncooperative. Take that and couple it with pretty much anything we see in the media. You have 20 somethings playing teenagers on popular television shows and in movies. You have teens (i.e Selena Gomez, Taylor Swift) who have an arsenal of a beauty team to make them look gorgeous at anytime. We live in a world that values and glorifies beauty and tells us quite distinctively what is and what is not beautiful. It is so hard not to feel ugly in a world where perfectly made up models and actresses are shoved down our throats everywhere we go. And to even add further insult, you have shows like "The Jersey Shore bringing about terms like "grenade" or "landmine" to describe and criticize a girl who doesn't meet the beautiful standard. The use of these terms on this show glorifies putting others down and therefore boys and even girls think it is okay and cool to use these terms in describing others they come across. How is a 15 year old ever going to believe she is beautiful when everything around her is telling her she isn't and make her feel badly for not meeting the impossible standards?

I had the curse of "anti-pretty". I was pale, Irish heritage with freckles all over, mousey brown thick hair, short and a little curvy. I went to a very preppy highschool where it seemed every girl met the "Abercrombie" image. Tall, tan, thin, and blond wispy hair that always did what they wanted with it. No wonder I felt invisible! It also didn't help matters that once I found a group of girlfriends, they were all very pretty and the boys I liked always preferred them over me. Oh as I got older I tried very hard to fit the "pretty image" Cross Country helped thin me out and fit into my body though that also happened naturally as I got older (losing the baby fat) though I still dieted. I also tanned (please DON'T do this--I regret it very much now and you will too!) I wore way too much makeup, got blond highlights and always wore my hair up---anything to fit the image. It took me a while to accept who I was.

Nowadays, I have come to accept and even appreciate the looks I was given. I may not feel gorgeous everyday but I can honestly say there are days I feel absolutely 100% confident(maybe even cocky...) in my looks. I strut around as though all eyes are on me and I am not ashamed to admit this. To go from a complete self loathing teenage girl to an overall confident young woman is not something to be ashamed of. I'll admit, I didn't just wake up one day, look the mirror and say: Oh Wow, I'm pretty! It was very gradual. It probably helped that eventually, boys did start to notice I was alive and even called me beautiful. I have a boyfriend today who makes me feel gorgeous every day no matter what. I realized tanning was very bad for you and could cause skin cancer and gave it up entirely learning to utilize bronzers and light self tanners to give a healthy glow. I eventually grew tired of the blond (ultimately orangey) highlights and started dying my hair back to brown before eventually embracing my natural color (and even being told by my hair stylist to not dye it because it was such a pretty color). I grew out my hair long and ultimately became the envy of some friends for having such thick hair. I learned to use makeup and play up my best features like my green eyes. I still will say I occasionally have body issues unfortunately. However, I keep up with going to the gym, eat fairly healthy, and even ran a marathon two years ago so I control it in a healthy manner. I think feeling confident in your body everyday is probably the biggest challenge of all and maybe one day I'll get there. But regardless, I've grown into myself and stopped letting others tell me what is and is not beautiful.

But with all of this talk of outer beauty, I've failed to mention one very important point...outer beauty will only take you so far. Looks fade as we age and only who we are on the inside will matter. So be kind, patient, empathetic and do good in your life. Do not place too much emphasis on outer beauty as it will only take you so far. The ugliest people you will ever meet are often those who are the most beautiful. So find your inner beauty and believe in your outer beauty even if it doesn't meet the media's definition. You will be happier and go much further in your life if you find that confidence from within and let the outer beauty shine naturally thereafter.

My last note of advice here until I sign off for today: please don't put others down for their outer looks as well. We only make this problem worse when we point out what we see as "physical flaws" in others. Think of how you would feel if you overheard someone call you "fat", or "ugly" and just don't do it. I know it is so easy to get caught up in criticizing others as it ultimately makes us feel better but no good can come from this. Compliment others and do whatever you can to make them see the beauty we all possess. I truly believe all woman posses a certain beauty that most don't realize. We are all beautiful so lets all do our part to help one another see that.