Original Entry Date:
November 1, 1999
Age: 16
Background: If you have been reading my entries thus far, you know I was a boy crazy teen with lots of unrequited crushes. Junior year of HS, boys all of a sudden seemed to notice me though most were NOT for the right reasons
Dear Diary,
Hey ok yes it has been a long, long time since I wrote you now. The school year started out slow. Everything seemed to be going wrong then around Homecoming, everything turned around and started going great and has been great since. Let me start with Homecoming, I went with Josh Stern, nothing really special about that but Connor was supposed to ask me but ended up not going to the dance which is where my conflict arises. I start liking him, big mistake. We flirt we go to the state overnight co-ed Cross Country meet, we flirt more, we end up going to into my hotel room and are both "comfortable" just talking side by side on the bed then bam coach comes in and he goes back to his room and nothing happens between us. Things have not been the same since and he is now together with Rachel and won't say a word to me. Then 2 weeks later, Kyle Sands flirts with me big time and offers to drive me home but I don't think anything really came from that. Then Mitch Gellar asked me on a date Friday. That was sweet. The next night, Tim Healy (yes my obsession from last year) is all over me in the treehouse at Fredrick's Halloween party Saturday night(we still have people thinking something happened with us (which it didn't) But basically all these guys have been interested in me which makes me feel good about myself. Of course nothing really happened with any of them, no kissing but I am still loving it!
Love,
Megs
Dear Megs,
I'd like to point out three consistencies in the above stories: Kyle, Tim, and Connor. All always flirted with you but never asked you out or made an effort other then when an opportunity arose for them to take it to the next (aka physical) level. All three of these young men did eventually have girlfriends in HighSchool and those girlfriends were never you--they really all when it came down to it-- broke your heart. You had longstanding crushes on 2 of the 3, (Connor and Tim) and developed feelings for Kyle once he showed attention to you. BUT...and this is a big point my friends, BUT, the only guy to ever make the effort to ask you on a real date and take you out was Mitch. Mitch was genuinely interested in you. Unfortunately, you did not share those feelings but you did go on a wonderful date with him. Oh I recall it was my first ever real date (not dance related). He picked you up and drove you downtown. You went out to dinner and to a haunted house and then for a walk along the Chicago River. Looking back, it was honestly a very romantic and sweet date. Something I very much longed for at that point in life, but it was with the wrong guy unfortunately. Substitute Connor or Tim (or even Kyle) with Mitch and I would have been over the Moon. But no, they only ever flirted with you in moments when you two were alone...
At the time, I was blinded by the fact that my crushes were actually flirting with me to see the truth. In fact, this has been one of the lessons that has taken me the longest to learn. And believe it or not, many girls in their 20s still haven't learned this lesson... What is this lesson? Ladies, if a boy has a sincere interest in you, you WILL know. He will ask you for your phone number, he will call you right away, he will ask you on a date. He will be interested in you at times other than when the two of you are alone away from everyone else and it will be about more than just a physical connection. He will want to be your boyfriend and rounding the bases will not be his Number One priority (however, let's not forget, he is a guy after all)
I've seen this in action time and time again. My two long term relationships (in College and after College) all resulted in me a.) meeting a boy and b.) giving him my number and c.) him calling me the next day to ask me on a date--usually that same night. Reading back on this entry, I realize now Mitch was the first one to show this rule in action-I just had yet to learn it back then.
This really is such a hard and fast rule that is so easy to understand yet we as young woman have such a heard time listening to it. We develop these crushes and these feelings and so badly want him to someday just notice we are alive that we let these boys toy with our emotions. We keep telling ourselves that this is different, we give excuses as to why he isn't asking us out (boys don't really do that, he was hurt really bad by his last girlfriend, his friends will give him a hard time if he gets a girlfriend,He is afraid to really fall for someone and I scare him etc., etc.) Girls, if you haven't watched the movie "he's just not that into you", please do because that movie pretty much embodies everything I am discussing and it really is oh so true. It is very obvious when a boy is into you and very easy to know when he isn't.
What's even worse is in college and Highschool even, we allow ourselves to take things to the next level with these boys (yes, I mean S-E-X or some variation of this) in hopes that we can get them to like us. Trust me, doing this will keep them interested but not for the right reasons and will definitely end up with you hurt. This is getting into a more serious and taboo topic than I typically like to discuss but girls, know that giving in and having sex or hooking up with a guy to keep him interested or to make him interested in you is not the way to go. This really is something that should be taken seriously and done with someone you are in love with who mutually respects and loves you and should happen at a time in your life when you are ready and mature enough to handle. Hold onto your innocence for as long as you can because it is special and you will never get it back once its gone. So think very carefully on these decisions. I am not willing to discuss the details on the internet of my own personal experiences but I can tell you I believe that it really is something you should share with someone you think you will spend the rest of your life with and I've followed and kept that belief to this very date (in my late twenties now). If you think you will regret the decision or are unsure, then just wait--when its right, you'll know. And to further my "lecturing" because I can't not say this: a broken heart is one of the least of the consequences you have to worry about if you treat sex casually or as a way to attract boys as there are so many other things to worry about.(i.e pregnancy, STDs) Ok off my soapbox on the taboo subject.
It is so easy to get caught up in the excitement of a crush noticing you when you were always invisible to him in the past. And once you get that attention, you crave it and you want it to continue. You start convincing yourself there is something more there, that you mean something to him, that is is different and he really cares for you. This mindset started in Highschool for me and in College, I fell even deeper into this pattern. Every time, I can tell you I ended up with a very broken heart and the guy always moved on to a girl he truly cared for. It really is so hard because we really want to believe they care. Any hint of interest towards you makes you believe they must somewhere deep down care for you and maybe they are just afraid of those feelings. But, no they aren't--they are really just taking advantage of you and the opportunity. You are too smart and incredible to fall for that and deserve so much more from the men you choose to allow in your life. Don't forget, you truly choose who you let in your life and you have every right to be very picky and demand to be treated with nothing but respect and adoration. It is perfectly okay to have that attitude with guys as the ones who don't deserve you won't make the effort to meet your standards anyway.
The best example that I have of this in practice is from College. There was a boy who lived in my dorm freshman year. We started hanging out quite a bit in his dorm room most of the time. We had a class together so we would study in his room. Usually studying turned into make out sessions. I found out eventually he had the same type of relationship with 2 other girls in our dorm but I convinced myself I was different. I started dating another guy who actually liked me Sophomore year but still couldn't get this one guy out of my head. We hung out a few times "as friends". I always romanticized our time together, walks on campus at night, driving to a nearby Forest Preserve and staring at the stars and talking..all this stuff that would make you think a guy definitely had feelings for you--but he never asked me out on a date. Before Junior year, my boyfriend at the time and I broke up probably because I never could get over this other guy. Right away that year, I found my way back to him. He did ask me as his date to a fraternity party and we went and he was saying all of these sweet things all night. I asked him to a football game at my older Brothers college and he came (along with my roommates at the time) and met my family and I thought we had a great weekend. Then all of a sudden after we got back, he started to avoid me...would act like he didn't see me around campus and basically would ignore me(we even had a class together and he never said a word to me). Around Christmas that year, he called me to say he just wasn't looking to be in a relationship at the time. The next semester, I found out he had a new girlfriend and they dated all the way through Senior Year and from what I've heard are now married. He never wanted anything more from me otherwise he would have had it. He found whatever it was I was missing in this other girl and he couldn't let her go. When they want to be with you, they will! He broke my heart worse than any other guy I have ever met as our relationship was more than just physical, we shared so much about our lives with one another but regardless, he had every opportunity to make me his girlfriend and he NEVER did because deep down, he didn't want me. It was a tough lesson but one I needed to learn. The right guy will eventually come to you and when he does, you will know without a doubt that he cares for you because he will make it a point for you to know. I've said it before but my boyfriend today called me and asked me to dinner the very next night. I even pushed him away to avoid getting hurt and he didn't give up on me. So don't be fooled, recognize the boys that want to spend time with you vs. the boys who just want to see how far you'll let them get. It is a lesson better learned earlier than later.
I do want to take some time and Thank all the people who have recently started to read my blog as I have noticed higher activity to my blog. I know I don't know everything about this life but hope I can offer a little something from someone who has been there not too long ago and learned from some experiences. If you like what you read, please share and please offer any comments, questions, etc.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Casualties of Time....
Original Entry Date:
October 22, 2000
Age: 17
Background: I have an older brother who is just a year older than me. He had a very solid group of friends in Highschool that he remains close with to this day. I hung out with them a lot in HS and was nervous about my senior year when they had graduated
Dear Diary,
Well, it's been a whole 6 months since I've written. Well this is it, the senior year of HighSchool. My life has changed so much in these 6 months and I thought I would be upset but to be honest, I haven't. You never realize what great friends you have until you really need them My brother and all of his friends have left for college and have moved on with their lives. I've been having fun though. Jackie, Erin, Riley, Mark and Connor have been great friends to me. Well ok maybe Connor has caused some problems but he was being an awesome friend. But of course my life is full of conflicts so how could I not have one with him? We went to homecoming together but it definitely started way at the beginning of the school year. There was some questioning along the lines of if there was something a little more than just friends there. I'm so careful about guys ever since the Kyle thing. Well to make a long story short, I thought he liked me so I liked him, I was wrong and now the great friendship we had and the even better friendship we could have had has been lost.
Love, Megs
Dear Megs,
I wish I could explain why friendships with some people last forever and others only last a little while. Reading back on this entry, I fondly think of the times spent with various groups of friends who were nothing short of amazing to you. Jackie and you used to share all of your fears, hopes and dreams and have sleepovers and just talk for hours. You helped Erin get through a heartbreak and she threw you a going away party for college. Riley was just the sweetest girl I had ever met and made you feel so comfortable all of the time. She always wanted to hang out together. Her boyfriend Mark was such a great guy too. These are all such amazing people who I have fond memories of back in Highschool. All of these friends were also there for you when an unfortunate accident freshman year of college left you in intensive care and eventually bedridden for several months. Everything was there to set up a foundation for lifelong friendships. It breaks my heart to think that I no longer keep in touch with any of them. Facebook has allowed me keep up with their lives but we are essentially now strangers who simply share all of these wonderful memories from our pasts.
Jackie moved to Missouri while I live in the city of Chicago. Distance and different lives seem to be what tore us apart. I often worry that I forced her out unintentionally through new college friendships that perhaps I let give way to my priority over our HighSchool rituals. We kept in touch for a bit after college with phone calls and attempts to visit and then one day, we just stopped. That was 5 years ago now. I always look back to see how she is doing and try to wish her Happy Birthdays but still, we live completely separate lives now and the extremely strong friendship we once had is gone.
Erin I still run into from time to time. She and I have very similar lives now it seems but similar with Jackie, we just let our new lives take priority over our old ones. Erin is in the city as well and also has a big group of college friends she spends time with. There are some Highschool alumni events where we run into each other and it really is easy to fall back into the same pattern with her. Still, for whatever reason, a person who used to be such a big part of my life is no more than an acquaintance in my adult life.
Riley also lives in the city and I've run into her from time to time. We exchanged cell phone numbers several times and made promises and attempts to get together for dinner and drinks and catch up. I am sad to say it never happened and from my latest facebook stalking, she got married this year (not to Mark). I feel at fault for this lost friendship as it was I that cancelled on our attempts to catch up often letting the business of life get in the way.
The boys I don't know too much about now. Mark, I haven't heard anything about in years. Connor and I had a falling out that started with this diary entry and continued with his crush on my friend Jackie and their eventual relationship among other things. Ironically, he showed up at a party that some friends of mine threw at their apartment about 4 years ago. He was friends with the boyfriend of one of my friends friends (did you get that? ...small world). A few weeks later, the friends friend's boyfriend threw her a graduation party at his place and I saw him again. I've always been a nostalgic person and really enjoyed running into him as he was such a huge part of my past whether it was in a good way or not. However, in running into him, he was far less nostalgic than I was and really didn't seem all that interested in reconnecting. That was the last I saw of him and I believe he is married now as well.
Now I hate being debbie downer and I promise that isn't what I am trying to do with this entry. Friendships in highschool don't always meet the unfortunate fate mine did. The perfect example is actually my older brother. He had a wonderful group of friends back then that I was so envious of. They were all just nice, down to earth people who accepted you no matter what. I can tell you that my brother is still close with about 75% of the people he hung out with in HighSchool. And if you want an even better success story, he married his girlfriend from HighSchool and now they have an adorable 1 year old baby boy. Her twin brother who also went to HighSchool with us was my brother's best man in their wedding and her best friend form grammar school and highschool was her maid of honor. There was a large group of them from highscool at the wedding and my brother and his now wife have attended many of their weddings. Friendships (and even relationships) from grammar school and HighSchool can last a lifetime and they are proof of this.
So now the question remains, what determines who will remain in your life and who will not? Why has my brother remained close with his HighSchool group while I have lost touch? I honestly do not believe there is explanation for it. I would say you have to work on it but even that isn't a guarantee as I put plenty of effort into trying to make these friendships last and one day, we just all seemed to become too busy in our own lives. Your lives will change and you have to let it; you cannot cling to the past because in doing so, you will miss out on so many exciting new experiences and new friendships. Perhaps the best way is to recognize a diminished or changed role of these old friends in your new life? Accept that your friendship will mature with you and that it can' be exactly what is was when you were younger.
I honestly have always believed in this quote: "Friends are Angels who lift you to your feet when your wings have trouble remembering how to fly" What does this mean though? I think that the right people often come into your life when you need them most (or you may be put into someones life when they need you!) This group of friends I had during senior year were there for me during some of my toughest times. Senior year I felt alone as I had relied on my brother and his friends for the majority of my sophomore and junior years of Highschool. I was terrified of being lonely that senior year but they were there. When I broke my neck during freshman year of college, they were there for me and helped me get through one of my most trying times in life. They also helped me to find who I was and helped me to gain confidence as I grew older. Even though they are no longer in my life, the memories of the impact they made in the person I am today will last forever.
This weekend, I have a big group of friends from college all getting together to catch up and spend time together. My college friends picked up where my highschool friends left off and I hope those friendships do not become lost over the years. However, no matter what I will always be happy for time I did have with them and hope I can be with them to share times of joy and offer a shoulder to cry on during times of sorrow. So be grateful for the friends you have and do what you can to be there for them when they need you. There is no saying what causes friendships to last; but just know no matter what, the right friendships will be there when you need them most. I am going to close with another favorite quote of mine: Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same.”
October 22, 2000
Age: 17
Background: I have an older brother who is just a year older than me. He had a very solid group of friends in Highschool that he remains close with to this day. I hung out with them a lot in HS and was nervous about my senior year when they had graduated
Dear Diary,
Well, it's been a whole 6 months since I've written. Well this is it, the senior year of HighSchool. My life has changed so much in these 6 months and I thought I would be upset but to be honest, I haven't. You never realize what great friends you have until you really need them My brother and all of his friends have left for college and have moved on with their lives. I've been having fun though. Jackie, Erin, Riley, Mark and Connor have been great friends to me. Well ok maybe Connor has caused some problems but he was being an awesome friend. But of course my life is full of conflicts so how could I not have one with him? We went to homecoming together but it definitely started way at the beginning of the school year. There was some questioning along the lines of if there was something a little more than just friends there. I'm so careful about guys ever since the Kyle thing. Well to make a long story short, I thought he liked me so I liked him, I was wrong and now the great friendship we had and the even better friendship we could have had has been lost.
Love, Megs
Dear Megs,
I wish I could explain why friendships with some people last forever and others only last a little while. Reading back on this entry, I fondly think of the times spent with various groups of friends who were nothing short of amazing to you. Jackie and you used to share all of your fears, hopes and dreams and have sleepovers and just talk for hours. You helped Erin get through a heartbreak and she threw you a going away party for college. Riley was just the sweetest girl I had ever met and made you feel so comfortable all of the time. She always wanted to hang out together. Her boyfriend Mark was such a great guy too. These are all such amazing people who I have fond memories of back in Highschool. All of these friends were also there for you when an unfortunate accident freshman year of college left you in intensive care and eventually bedridden for several months. Everything was there to set up a foundation for lifelong friendships. It breaks my heart to think that I no longer keep in touch with any of them. Facebook has allowed me keep up with their lives but we are essentially now strangers who simply share all of these wonderful memories from our pasts.
Jackie moved to Missouri while I live in the city of Chicago. Distance and different lives seem to be what tore us apart. I often worry that I forced her out unintentionally through new college friendships that perhaps I let give way to my priority over our HighSchool rituals. We kept in touch for a bit after college with phone calls and attempts to visit and then one day, we just stopped. That was 5 years ago now. I always look back to see how she is doing and try to wish her Happy Birthdays but still, we live completely separate lives now and the extremely strong friendship we once had is gone.
Erin I still run into from time to time. She and I have very similar lives now it seems but similar with Jackie, we just let our new lives take priority over our old ones. Erin is in the city as well and also has a big group of college friends she spends time with. There are some Highschool alumni events where we run into each other and it really is easy to fall back into the same pattern with her. Still, for whatever reason, a person who used to be such a big part of my life is no more than an acquaintance in my adult life.
Riley also lives in the city and I've run into her from time to time. We exchanged cell phone numbers several times and made promises and attempts to get together for dinner and drinks and catch up. I am sad to say it never happened and from my latest facebook stalking, she got married this year (not to Mark). I feel at fault for this lost friendship as it was I that cancelled on our attempts to catch up often letting the business of life get in the way.
The boys I don't know too much about now. Mark, I haven't heard anything about in years. Connor and I had a falling out that started with this diary entry and continued with his crush on my friend Jackie and their eventual relationship among other things. Ironically, he showed up at a party that some friends of mine threw at their apartment about 4 years ago. He was friends with the boyfriend of one of my friends friends (did you get that? ...small world). A few weeks later, the friends friend's boyfriend threw her a graduation party at his place and I saw him again. I've always been a nostalgic person and really enjoyed running into him as he was such a huge part of my past whether it was in a good way or not. However, in running into him, he was far less nostalgic than I was and really didn't seem all that interested in reconnecting. That was the last I saw of him and I believe he is married now as well.
Now I hate being debbie downer and I promise that isn't what I am trying to do with this entry. Friendships in highschool don't always meet the unfortunate fate mine did. The perfect example is actually my older brother. He had a wonderful group of friends back then that I was so envious of. They were all just nice, down to earth people who accepted you no matter what. I can tell you that my brother is still close with about 75% of the people he hung out with in HighSchool. And if you want an even better success story, he married his girlfriend from HighSchool and now they have an adorable 1 year old baby boy. Her twin brother who also went to HighSchool with us was my brother's best man in their wedding and her best friend form grammar school and highschool was her maid of honor. There was a large group of them from highscool at the wedding and my brother and his now wife have attended many of their weddings. Friendships (and even relationships) from grammar school and HighSchool can last a lifetime and they are proof of this.
So now the question remains, what determines who will remain in your life and who will not? Why has my brother remained close with his HighSchool group while I have lost touch? I honestly do not believe there is explanation for it. I would say you have to work on it but even that isn't a guarantee as I put plenty of effort into trying to make these friendships last and one day, we just all seemed to become too busy in our own lives. Your lives will change and you have to let it; you cannot cling to the past because in doing so, you will miss out on so many exciting new experiences and new friendships. Perhaps the best way is to recognize a diminished or changed role of these old friends in your new life? Accept that your friendship will mature with you and that it can' be exactly what is was when you were younger.
I honestly have always believed in this quote: "Friends are Angels who lift you to your feet when your wings have trouble remembering how to fly" What does this mean though? I think that the right people often come into your life when you need them most (or you may be put into someones life when they need you!) This group of friends I had during senior year were there for me during some of my toughest times. Senior year I felt alone as I had relied on my brother and his friends for the majority of my sophomore and junior years of Highschool. I was terrified of being lonely that senior year but they were there. When I broke my neck during freshman year of college, they were there for me and helped me get through one of my most trying times in life. They also helped me to find who I was and helped me to gain confidence as I grew older. Even though they are no longer in my life, the memories of the impact they made in the person I am today will last forever.
This weekend, I have a big group of friends from college all getting together to catch up and spend time together. My college friends picked up where my highschool friends left off and I hope those friendships do not become lost over the years. However, no matter what I will always be happy for time I did have with them and hope I can be with them to share times of joy and offer a shoulder to cry on during times of sorrow. So be grateful for the friends you have and do what you can to be there for them when they need you. There is no saying what causes friendships to last; but just know no matter what, the right friendships will be there when you need them most. I am going to close with another favorite quote of mine: Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same.”
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Our Toughest Critic...
Original Entry Date:
October 20th, 1998
Age:15
Background:
My sophomore year of Highschool was a tough one. I had zero self confidence and was trying to find myself yet no one put me down more than myself. Read on...
Dear Diary,
Hello, well let's see what really can I say that's new? Well I'm still running cross country, I'm not good but I'm decent. I'm surviving this sophomore year, its bad though! Things just never quite go my way. I didn't go to our Homecoming, no surprise! Guys just DO NOT notice me! I mean who can really blame them? I'm nobody special. I mean Gosh I'm ugly, I picture myself in my head and shudder, I can only imagine how guys feel. Well as for the other schools Homecoming, my date was a *word removed* As for now, I like Tim Healy on the guys cross country team but like most of my crushes nothing will happen, believe me!
Love, Megs
Dear Megs,
First and foremost, I need to address the inappropriateness of a word used in your diary entry. It was removed as I used it once naively and do not wish to repeat it. It is an inappropriate hurtful slur for gay men and thankfully is no longer a part of your vocabulary. I know there are many words out there that we hear on a regular basis and do not understand the ramifications of using in our day to day language. This is a word that is used by hateful individuals and it is meant to hurt. It should never be used in a casual context to describe an individual of any sexual orientation. I just wanted to ensure I addressed this as I was rather embarrassed to see it in an old diary entry...
Onto the topic at hand: self loathing. It is so hard to feel pretty as a teenager. We are beginning to notice certain aspects of ourselves aren't what the media portrays as beautiful. Our bodies are changing and often times certain features haven't grown into the rest of us. We are also venturing into new beauty techniques: styling our hair, doing makeup, etc. and dealing with skin that typically is most uncooperative. Take that and couple it with pretty much anything we see in the media. You have 20 somethings playing teenagers on popular television shows and in movies. You have teens (i.e Selena Gomez, Taylor Swift) who have an arsenal of a beauty team to make them look gorgeous at anytime. We live in a world that values and glorifies beauty and tells us quite distinctively what is and what is not beautiful. It is so hard not to feel ugly in a world where perfectly made up models and actresses are shoved down our throats everywhere we go. And to even add further insult, you have shows like "The Jersey Shore bringing about terms like "grenade" or "landmine" to describe and criticize a girl who doesn't meet the beautiful standard. The use of these terms on this show glorifies putting others down and therefore boys and even girls think it is okay and cool to use these terms in describing others they come across. How is a 15 year old ever going to believe she is beautiful when everything around her is telling her she isn't and make her feel badly for not meeting the impossible standards?
I had the curse of "anti-pretty". I was pale, Irish heritage with freckles all over, mousey brown thick hair, short and a little curvy. I went to a very preppy highschool where it seemed every girl met the "Abercrombie" image. Tall, tan, thin, and blond wispy hair that always did what they wanted with it. No wonder I felt invisible! It also didn't help matters that once I found a group of girlfriends, they were all very pretty and the boys I liked always preferred them over me. Oh as I got older I tried very hard to fit the "pretty image" Cross Country helped thin me out and fit into my body though that also happened naturally as I got older (losing the baby fat) though I still dieted. I also tanned (please DON'T do this--I regret it very much now and you will too!) I wore way too much makeup, got blond highlights and always wore my hair up---anything to fit the image. It took me a while to accept who I was.
Nowadays, I have come to accept and even appreciate the looks I was given. I may not feel gorgeous everyday but I can honestly say there are days I feel absolutely 100% confident(maybe even cocky...) in my looks. I strut around as though all eyes are on me and I am not ashamed to admit this. To go from a complete self loathing teenage girl to an overall confident young woman is not something to be ashamed of. I'll admit, I didn't just wake up one day, look the mirror and say: Oh Wow, I'm pretty! It was very gradual. It probably helped that eventually, boys did start to notice I was alive and even called me beautiful. I have a boyfriend today who makes me feel gorgeous every day no matter what. I realized tanning was very bad for you and could cause skin cancer and gave it up entirely learning to utilize bronzers and light self tanners to give a healthy glow. I eventually grew tired of the blond (ultimately orangey) highlights and started dying my hair back to brown before eventually embracing my natural color (and even being told by my hair stylist to not dye it because it was such a pretty color). I grew out my hair long and ultimately became the envy of some friends for having such thick hair. I learned to use makeup and play up my best features like my green eyes. I still will say I occasionally have body issues unfortunately. However, I keep up with going to the gym, eat fairly healthy, and even ran a marathon two years ago so I control it in a healthy manner. I think feeling confident in your body everyday is probably the biggest challenge of all and maybe one day I'll get there. But regardless, I've grown into myself and stopped letting others tell me what is and is not beautiful.
But with all of this talk of outer beauty, I've failed to mention one very important point...outer beauty will only take you so far. Looks fade as we age and only who we are on the inside will matter. So be kind, patient, empathetic and do good in your life. Do not place too much emphasis on outer beauty as it will only take you so far. The ugliest people you will ever meet are often those who are the most beautiful. So find your inner beauty and believe in your outer beauty even if it doesn't meet the media's definition. You will be happier and go much further in your life if you find that confidence from within and let the outer beauty shine naturally thereafter.
My last note of advice here until I sign off for today: please don't put others down for their outer looks as well. We only make this problem worse when we point out what we see as "physical flaws" in others. Think of how you would feel if you overheard someone call you "fat", or "ugly" and just don't do it. I know it is so easy to get caught up in criticizing others as it ultimately makes us feel better but no good can come from this. Compliment others and do whatever you can to make them see the beauty we all possess. I truly believe all woman posses a certain beauty that most don't realize. We are all beautiful so lets all do our part to help one another see that.
October 20th, 1998
Age:15
Background:
My sophomore year of Highschool was a tough one. I had zero self confidence and was trying to find myself yet no one put me down more than myself. Read on...
Dear Diary,
Hello, well let's see what really can I say that's new? Well I'm still running cross country, I'm not good but I'm decent. I'm surviving this sophomore year, its bad though! Things just never quite go my way. I didn't go to our Homecoming, no surprise! Guys just DO NOT notice me! I mean who can really blame them? I'm nobody special. I mean Gosh I'm ugly, I picture myself in my head and shudder, I can only imagine how guys feel. Well as for the other schools Homecoming, my date was a *word removed* As for now, I like Tim Healy on the guys cross country team but like most of my crushes nothing will happen, believe me!
Love, Megs
Dear Megs,
First and foremost, I need to address the inappropriateness of a word used in your diary entry. It was removed as I used it once naively and do not wish to repeat it. It is an inappropriate hurtful slur for gay men and thankfully is no longer a part of your vocabulary. I know there are many words out there that we hear on a regular basis and do not understand the ramifications of using in our day to day language. This is a word that is used by hateful individuals and it is meant to hurt. It should never be used in a casual context to describe an individual of any sexual orientation. I just wanted to ensure I addressed this as I was rather embarrassed to see it in an old diary entry...
Onto the topic at hand: self loathing. It is so hard to feel pretty as a teenager. We are beginning to notice certain aspects of ourselves aren't what the media portrays as beautiful. Our bodies are changing and often times certain features haven't grown into the rest of us. We are also venturing into new beauty techniques: styling our hair, doing makeup, etc. and dealing with skin that typically is most uncooperative. Take that and couple it with pretty much anything we see in the media. You have 20 somethings playing teenagers on popular television shows and in movies. You have teens (i.e Selena Gomez, Taylor Swift) who have an arsenal of a beauty team to make them look gorgeous at anytime. We live in a world that values and glorifies beauty and tells us quite distinctively what is and what is not beautiful. It is so hard not to feel ugly in a world where perfectly made up models and actresses are shoved down our throats everywhere we go. And to even add further insult, you have shows like "The Jersey Shore bringing about terms like "grenade" or "landmine" to describe and criticize a girl who doesn't meet the beautiful standard. The use of these terms on this show glorifies putting others down and therefore boys and even girls think it is okay and cool to use these terms in describing others they come across. How is a 15 year old ever going to believe she is beautiful when everything around her is telling her she isn't and make her feel badly for not meeting the impossible standards?
I had the curse of "anti-pretty". I was pale, Irish heritage with freckles all over, mousey brown thick hair, short and a little curvy. I went to a very preppy highschool where it seemed every girl met the "Abercrombie" image. Tall, tan, thin, and blond wispy hair that always did what they wanted with it. No wonder I felt invisible! It also didn't help matters that once I found a group of girlfriends, they were all very pretty and the boys I liked always preferred them over me. Oh as I got older I tried very hard to fit the "pretty image" Cross Country helped thin me out and fit into my body though that also happened naturally as I got older (losing the baby fat) though I still dieted. I also tanned (please DON'T do this--I regret it very much now and you will too!) I wore way too much makeup, got blond highlights and always wore my hair up---anything to fit the image. It took me a while to accept who I was.
Nowadays, I have come to accept and even appreciate the looks I was given. I may not feel gorgeous everyday but I can honestly say there are days I feel absolutely 100% confident(maybe even cocky...) in my looks. I strut around as though all eyes are on me and I am not ashamed to admit this. To go from a complete self loathing teenage girl to an overall confident young woman is not something to be ashamed of. I'll admit, I didn't just wake up one day, look the mirror and say: Oh Wow, I'm pretty! It was very gradual. It probably helped that eventually, boys did start to notice I was alive and even called me beautiful. I have a boyfriend today who makes me feel gorgeous every day no matter what. I realized tanning was very bad for you and could cause skin cancer and gave it up entirely learning to utilize bronzers and light self tanners to give a healthy glow. I eventually grew tired of the blond (ultimately orangey) highlights and started dying my hair back to brown before eventually embracing my natural color (and even being told by my hair stylist to not dye it because it was such a pretty color). I grew out my hair long and ultimately became the envy of some friends for having such thick hair. I learned to use makeup and play up my best features like my green eyes. I still will say I occasionally have body issues unfortunately. However, I keep up with going to the gym, eat fairly healthy, and even ran a marathon two years ago so I control it in a healthy manner. I think feeling confident in your body everyday is probably the biggest challenge of all and maybe one day I'll get there. But regardless, I've grown into myself and stopped letting others tell me what is and is not beautiful.
But with all of this talk of outer beauty, I've failed to mention one very important point...outer beauty will only take you so far. Looks fade as we age and only who we are on the inside will matter. So be kind, patient, empathetic and do good in your life. Do not place too much emphasis on outer beauty as it will only take you so far. The ugliest people you will ever meet are often those who are the most beautiful. So find your inner beauty and believe in your outer beauty even if it doesn't meet the media's definition. You will be happier and go much further in your life if you find that confidence from within and let the outer beauty shine naturally thereafter.
My last note of advice here until I sign off for today: please don't put others down for their outer looks as well. We only make this problem worse when we point out what we see as "physical flaws" in others. Think of how you would feel if you overheard someone call you "fat", or "ugly" and just don't do it. I know it is so easy to get caught up in criticizing others as it ultimately makes us feel better but no good can come from this. Compliment others and do whatever you can to make them see the beauty we all possess. I truly believe all woman posses a certain beauty that most don't realize. We are all beautiful so lets all do our part to help one another see that.
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